Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
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Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.