who wore it better?
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In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
No regrets in 2018
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
It was worth a shot 😂
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.