who wore it better?
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“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
courtroom exchange of the day
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?