who wore it better?
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I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
#JohnTravolta
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.