Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
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I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
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It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me