Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…