Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
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“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.