Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
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[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Follow me for more life hacks.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
