Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
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If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they鈥檝e narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
She鈥檚 a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 馃檪 it appears that we鈥檙e all in this togeth-
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I studied karate, so now if I鈥檓 ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you鈥檙e young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you鈥檙e old.
Some of you are like family to me. I don鈥檛 want you calling me either.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we鈥檙e at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Try and stop me.