Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?

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[Google search history]
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew


There’s a job in the paper for a park litter attendant. Experience is not necessary, you just pick it up as you go along.


*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh


Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.


Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?


FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.


My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.


I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.