date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
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Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Found my door mat
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
no one likes gloating
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
*3.5 thank you very much.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.