@momjeansplease

Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?

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@emmatheist

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

@nuttywhippet

There’s a job in the paper for a park litter attendant. Experience is not necessary, you just pick it up as you go along.

@Rollmaninoz

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

@tsm560

Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.

@djdarrellripley

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

@Burtslorp

FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.

@SnizzleFrizzle

My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.

@moooooog35

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.