Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

Had to try this trend 😊

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

This is not me but this is me

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest