Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.