Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
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Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Yes, but it was never about money
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
they see me scrollin
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.