Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?