Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
You Might Also Like
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.