Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
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when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.