Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
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I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows