Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
🤣
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
⚠️ Important Reminder:
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.