Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.