Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
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Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
This is painfully accurate 😅
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate