Whoa 😂
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I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
me when somebody idk start touching me
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.