Whoa 😂
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Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
hey, alexa
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
The glory of fall.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea