Whoa 😂
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My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Good morning, Twitter x
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
The Wolf of Wall Street.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
We need to put an American base on the sun
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.