Whoa 馃槀
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I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don鈥檛 have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Therapist: don鈥檛 take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I鈥檒l try
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
me: [running from the police] you鈥檒l never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
If you don鈥檛 have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.