Whoa 😂
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In space, no one can hear…
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
*limbos under the caution tape
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
The French word for sex is croissant.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”