Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

*puts words between two asterisks*

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*