Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.