Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

nothing saves money like being antisocial

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest

three old guys: heyyyyy

little boy playing the drums: whaddup

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

The options really are this bad

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.