whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
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Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.