– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
