– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
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Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*