– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
