-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Good boy 😂😂
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
