Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
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Midwest trash talk
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I beg your pardon?
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.