My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
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before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]
*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*
Me: If I had to choose between saving you or saving a stranger, I’d always pick you. How ’bout you?
Dog: No question–I’d save me too.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I’m literally crying
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks