her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
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Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
The only gardening I’m interested in doing right now is Olive Gardening
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.