@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

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@itrevormoore

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

@mrjohndarby

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

@BoomBoomBetty

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

@NicestHippo

Don’t worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won’t be able to find either

@cravin4

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

@TheAndrewNadeau

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

@dadmann_walking

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

@noodlegrip

My mouth was numbed and I licked all over my orthodontist’s finger thinking it was my gums so now I can never go back and will have braces forever

@McClaneJohn2

Popcorn is great if you want to eat 100 of something and still be hungry.