@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

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@clichedout

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

@gingerfaced

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

@ProdigyNelson

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

@tigersgoroooar

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

@truegritrumble

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

@coolauntV

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

@TheIntComShow

The only gardening I’m interested in doing right now is Olive Gardening

@occupied_stall

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

@WilliamAder

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.