@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

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@SnellWarren

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

@sparticus_af

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

@ObscureGent

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

@pitbull_wizard

[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]

*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*

@TheAlexNevil

Me: If I had to choose between saving you or saving a stranger, I’d always pick you. How ’bout you?

Dog: No question–I’d save me too.

@pimecorp

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

@phoebe_bridgers

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband