Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
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Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?