Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.