Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
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Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
smh
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
