Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

I already tried new things thanks.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

Why is everyone getting married at me

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

こいつ天才

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.