Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.