Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
You Might Also Like
britain’s three elite institutions
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.