Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
You Might Also Like
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳#stats
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
Body by cheese-puffs.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
