Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
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just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
damn he’s good
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Oh we’ve met.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.