Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
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Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Same post same
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.