Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
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*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Limited budget
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it