Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.

I love being a postman.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.