“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
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Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!