Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

Des Moines Police having a normal one

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

A little too much information.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.