“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
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My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar