Whoa… oh I see lol
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My first son he is wonderful
