Whoa… oh I see lol
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
i hope my email finds you on fire
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.