“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
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God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.