“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
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British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
This is hilarious
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.