Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
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“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor