Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt