Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
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[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
12. I think about this all the damn time
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation