Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
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Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse