Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

where’s Godzilla when we need him

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

Yes, but it was never about money

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.