Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free