Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
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It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name