Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
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[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.