Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
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Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Waiting for the Charmin
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
How I like cutting carbs
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
That’s incredible! 👌
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I don’t believe him.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.