Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

Holy moly

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

My blood type is b hungry.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.