Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

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Me: What do you give the girl that has everything

My Mom: Penicillin


Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet


Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”


I asked mom once how she knew dad was “the one”.
“because,” she replied, “DNA tests don’t lie.”


Obviously you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the meaning of ignorance!


“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….


if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die


No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”