@No_tact_here

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

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@TheOnion

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

@BoogTweets

Me: What do you give the girl that has everything

My Mom: Penicillin

@brennadine

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

@UnFitz

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

@IamTMoS

I asked mom once how she knew dad was “the one”.
“because,” she replied, “DNA tests don’t lie.”

@MensHumor

Obviously you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the meaning of ignorance!

@Tmoney68

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

@futurecreaturre

if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die

@TheDairylandDon

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”