Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
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I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI