Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.