Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.