whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
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*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.