Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem