whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
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I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Take care of yourself, ladies
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
absolutely not
That took me a moment.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly