whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
You Might Also Like
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second