Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
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Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.