Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

😂

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.