Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.