Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
You Might Also Like
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Only you can prevent podcasts
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.