Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

A game married people play.

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

Aight bet

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

Every haunted house movie:

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.