Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
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To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
You don’t even know
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.